Part III: FORGIVEN

Rating: M
Pairing: J/C
Summary: Equinox was hell for everyone but especially for Kathryn.
Length: 7674 words
Date: December 1999
Disclaimer: I don't own them, just borrowing them for a while.

"Chakotay," then the words of before came to him, haunting him, like a dream that had turned bad. *I always thought I couldn't destroy life at any level, for any reason, but on that day...almost five months ago, I did. And now, I find myself in the same position...only different.*

"You're pregnant again, and you think I will stand by and watch you kill my child?" He looked at her, disgusted at what she was, and what she had become. "You do this Kathryn, and I will never forgive you."

He walked out, and she was once again alone with her choices and her decisions. The words of past years and past decisions resounding in her head. "I guess I am alone, after all..."

*~*~*~*~*

When I saw you, I saw love. And the first time you touched me, I felt love. And after all this time, you're still the one I love.
Looks like we made it Look how far we've come to baby We mighta took the long way We knew we'd get there someday
They said, "I bet they'll never make it" But just look at us holding on We're still together still going strong

*~*~*~*~*

Kathryn had once again taken a calculated risk in telling him of her inner turmoil and ordeals, and once again she had lost. Lost the battle of her own wits and reasons, and lost her man. The man she was going to ask to marry her. Stashed in the drawer in her ready room was the pair of wedding rings she had hoped to use. They had cost her a month's replicator rations...or actually three days of playing with Tom, Harry and the Delaney sisters. She had used them to replicate the rings, and the rest had gone into her files, saving them to help her nourish her unborn daughter. The doctor had said this child she carried was a girl. Since Chakotay had walked out on her three weeks ago, he had gone on with his life, thinking she would abort this child too. Kathryn had not been able to do it this time, and she had resumed many of her bad habits despite her condition. She worked absurdly long hours, didn't sleep and consumed more coffee than she had before the pregnancy. Kathryn knew that all these things she did, only further convinced Chakotay that she had indeed terminated her pregnancy. Now at 18 weeks she was too far along to do that, and since that day, three weeks ago, she had actually lost weight. She had not suffered from morning sickness like many woman did, and the doctor had told her she was lucky for that. She heard the hail, and knew what the doctor wanted. She had skipped her twelve and sixteen-week checkups and she was sure if she did not report soon he would drag her down. Going to see the doctor was a mistake, she should have waited until...waited until when? It wasn't like she could hide this. She went about her business, maybe it wouldn't happen. Maybe it was a mistake. Maybe she wasn't pregnant at all. Maybe god would take her child, and the problem would be solved. As much as she already loved her daughter in an odd sort of way, if she lost the child, all her problems would be over.

*Could I live with myself?*

She knew the answer, but it was an answer she was not yet ready to face.

*~*~*~*~*

Chakotay had stormed out of Kathryn's ready room on that day all those weeks ago, and had not looked back. He saw 'the Captain' on the bridge every single day. She showed no signs of impending motherhood, there had been no announcement of the impending birth, and his mind decided for him that she had gone through with it. The great Kathryn Janeway had gone against her oath a second time and destroyed her own child. He hated her; had she decided to keep the child, he might have been able to forgive her, but she had not, and he could not, and so the strain on their relationship shifted into ship wide problems. *I hope you can learn to live with yourself 'Captain'*

Even in his private thoughts, he could not force himself to call her by her given name. *What have we done?*

*~*~*~*~*

Kathryn went about her business as usual, and then finally at the beginning of her fifth month, she gained a couple of pounds. It wasn't much and it wasn't anywhere near what should have happened, but it was better than nothing. The doctor had finally forced her to come to sickbay, when he examined her she was 19 weeks and thin as a starvation victim. She did not look anything like a woman near the beginning of her fifth month of pregnancy. She had finally let him do the scan. The child was small, too small for 19 weeks.

"Captain, do you wish to have a healthy baby? The way you're treating your body, it does not look like this is the case. Did you make a mistake by not terminating? You need..."

"Don't ever say that again. I would never think of killing the Commander's baby."

The doctor sighed. "If you wish to have a healthy full term child Captain, you need to take care of yourself. Maybe the Commander..."

"The Commander wants nothing to do with me doctor. And I would appreciate it if you kept this to yourself."

"Captain, you are nearly five months along and have still not even announced it to the crew. Do you really think you're acting rationally?"

Kathryn grabbed the towel from the doctor's hand, wiped the substance of her abdomen, pulled her shirt down and stormed out of sickbay. "If you have any respect for me or the child I carry you will keep this all away from the Commander. I would not kill his child, but he lost the right's to her the day he walked out on me."

With that she walked out of the doctor's line of sight. He had to get someone to get through to her, and he knew who. "Doctor to ensign Paris."

"Paris here. Doc, I'm not working any other shifts, I did two double last week..."

"Ensign, I don't wish you to come to sickbay, I have no need to hear any more of your sarcastic comments, but I do need you to report to sickbay upon your earliest convenience."

Paris sensed a sort of urgency and worry in the doctor's holographic vocal patterns. "All right doctor, I'll be there at the end of my shift. Paris out."

*~*~*~*~*

Tom sat at the helm wondering what the hell that was all about. He was preoccupied for his whole shift, wondering what the doctor could need him for so badly. When the Captain called him on it for the third time that shift he decided it was time to smarten up. He would deal with whatever the doctor needed him for when his shift ended.

Exactly six hours later his shift ended, and Harry tried to approach him. "Not now Harry. Talk to you at 0800 for that pool game." And he left, headed for the turbolift which would take him to his destination.

He arrived in sickbay and saw no one around. *So he's turned himself off.* Tom sighed, "Computer activate the EMH."

"Please state the...Ah...Mr. Paris...glad you could make it."

"So what do you need doc?"

"Please let's go to my office."

*~*~*~*~*

Three quarters of an hour later, Tom Paris walked out of sickbay a tad perplexed and completely absorbed in what he had just been asked to do. On the other hand, he wasn't sure he was the right one to do this. He had told this to the doc, and he had said that something had to be done and soon, things did not look good for Kathryn or her baby.

*What has Chakotay done to you?* Chakotay was not the right person to talk to you though. He had to convince Kathryn to start taking care of herself for the sake of that baby. *Kathryn? I can't call her that. To me she'll always be the Captain, my savior.*

"Computer locate Captain Janeway."

"Captain Janeway is in her quarters."

*Good, at least that'll make it easier.* He had to talk to B'Elanna first. She would be a better person to talk to than him. They had just discovered they were expecting a child. B'Elanna was six weeks pregnant, and the doctor thought that maybe Kathryn would respond better to a woman in the same position. *God I hope we can help her before something happens she will not be able to forgive herself for.*

*~*~*~*~*

Kathryn went to her quarters today directly after her duty shift. She needed to just be alone, away from the ruckus of Voyager. Just Kathryn. No one else. She had taken her combadge off and thrown it against the far wall. It had landed with a thud against the view port window and fallen helplessly to the ground.

She had changed into her pajamas. Not the silk nightgown, that reminded her too much of Chakotay, and she had worn that the last time she had been pregnant. She had a mind to burn it. She was wearing her plaid shorts and matching shirt. Elastic waist: growing room. She felt a tear slide down her cheek. She realized she was nearly five months pregnant and didn't look it. She lay down on her bed and lowered the waistband and raised the shirt, looking for outward evidence of the life within. She felt a tiny bulge, one comparable to the one she had had at only three and half months the last time. *What am I doing?* She realized she had not felt the child move yet, or had not been receptive to the movements of her child. *What am I doing?*

She replaced the night gear and realized that she didn't know, she never had...

*~*~*~*~*

Tom had just finished talking to B'Elanna, B'Elanna was furious. Tom wasn't sure if she was more furious at Kathryn or at Chakotay. Tom knew for a fact that he and B'Elanna had had to try for months before she finally conceived.

B'Elanna had wanted to go and slug Chakotay, but he had convinced her to go and visit the Captain first...or he thought he had...

*~*~*~*~*

Kathryn dozed lightly, her hand on her abdomen. Her dreams revolved around her child. The only problem was, that's all they were, dreams, for Chakotay appeared in every one of them. Slowly the haze of sleep started to dissipate as she realized her door had chimed. Captain's mask coming into place, she called out. "Come," without considering her state of undress.

B'Elanna walked into the room.

"What can I do for you B'Elanna."

B'Elanna stared her down. "We need to talk."

*~*~*~*~*

Tom had made a decision after sending B'Elanna on her way. He was going to talk to Chakotay, whether they were going to talk or he was going to slug him for hurting the Captain he wasn't sure, but something had to be said and done. In the end he ended up in Sandrine’s, and low and behold who was borrowing his program. He entered to find the place in shambles and a distraught Chakotay nursing a seemingly broken hand.

He had known about the first termination...doc had needed some assistance, and Tom had been entrusted with this duty. He had not told anyone...until now. At first he had been full of anger. Then he had tried to understand, in the end the only person who would have to deal with this was Kathryn, but all of a sudden it went beyond that...and Tom had to try to get Chakotay to understand and accept, just as he had had to do.

What Kathryn didn't know was that in the end, the two weeks the doctor had given Kathryn as a waiting period had been Tom's idea...Tom needed time to deal with the demons before performing the surgery. At the time, B'Elanna had been unable to get pregnant and he wanted to throttle his Captain for her selfish decision, but he had wrestled his demons, and laid them to rest.

He had only hoped she had done the same.

He walked up to Chakotay, and touched his shoulder. The fear and anguish he saw, made him realize, his anguish was nothing compared to that of the man in front of him.

"Chakotay, I'm sorry."

*~*~*~*~*

Kathryn turned around. "What exactly do we need to talk about Lieutenant?" She put an emphasis on the rank, trying to make B'Elanna realize that she really want to bring their relationship into the personal zone. She had gone into a friendship...and later a relationship with Chakotay and here she was pregnant and alone.

"Kathryn, we need to talk...or I should say I need to talk and you need to listen." She looked at the Captain and saw that she would not even look her in the eyes. "I found out a couple of days ago, that...I'm pregnant. I haven't told anyone besides Tom yet, and I feel we need some time to let it sink in for ourselves before we break the news to the crew. I just thought, you being the Captain and all...you'd like to know."

Kathryn fumbled with her words..."well...congratulations B'Elanna. I hope you and Tom are happy about it."

B'Elanna smiled. "We'd been trying for a long time Captain, we're very happy." *Now or never B'Elanna.* "Now your turn Kathryn." she put an emphasis on the name. "How are you?"

Kathryn looked into her eyes. "How did you know?"

*~*~*~*~*

Tom picked up Chakotay's hand and looked at it. "We should probably go to sickbay and get that looked at Chakotay."

Chakotay pulled his hand away and cringed at the pain in his knuckles. "I'm fine Tom, I deserved that."

"What the hell are you talking about Chakotay? I just don't get you. You've been pining over her for how long? And now you have her, you have a baby on the way, and what do you do? You leave her, you crush her, you punish her for something she did."

Chakotay turned and took a swing at Tom. "How dare you..."

"How dare I what Chakotay? The truth stings doesn't it? Well if you think you have a problem with what she did, how do you think she feels?" He sighed. "This went against everything that was 'her' Chakotay, but she made a mistake, and she corrected it the best way possible given the situation. And now...you're going to punish her for that?"

He made Chakotay look at him. "Is that how you treat the woman you love?"

Chakotay stormed out of the holodeck leaving Tom along among the shambles.

*~*~*~*~*

Kathryn woke from her thoughts of How B'Elanna had found out her dirty little secret to find herself alone. "B'Elanna?" *Oh god what have I done?* "Computer locate lieutenant Torres."

"Lieutenant Torres is in corridor 4-6-beta, deck nine."

*That's outside my quarters.* "B'Elanna, come in."

B'Elanna walked through the doors. "What the hell are you doing?"

She did it. Kathryn Janeway told her whole story. She told her dirty little secrets, she dished the dirt. And it felt good. It was also that night that, as she sat there, pouring her heart out to her half Klingon Engineer, she felt the first movements of the baby. It was incredible. She was just getting to the part of her story where she had decided she couldn't be a mother to her child when...it had happened.

Before:

"I was so scared. I looked at what he had become, I watched him change from a person to a monster, and I saw in him, so many aspects of me."

The aspect frightened her and the tears fell. "I wanted nothing more than to get rid of this thing that was growing inside of me..." She was all of a sudden very quiet. B'Elanna started to fret about what was wrong.

"Are you okay? Is it the baby? Kathryn?"

Kathryn looked over to B'Elanna a look of awe and wonderment in her eyes. "Give me your hand." She grabbed B'Elanna's hand and placed it against her still almost flat abdomen. "Did you feel it?"

B'Elanna nodded. "Well Kathryn, this is a beginning."

Now:

She got up and gave B'Elanna a hug. "Thank you, now all I have to do is convince Chakotay that...that I do love this child and would never do anything to hurt her."

B'Elanna nodded. "Yes Kathryn, one bridge crossed, one left to go."

Kathryn walked her to the door. "Thank you again..." Kathryn gasped. She looked up with a panicked look in her eyes, "B'Elanna..."

*~*~*~*~*

Chakotay was storming down the hall. He would kill Kathryn, Kathryn...the woman of his dream, his love, and she shared this with Tom Paris before himself. She's a dead woman.

He soon found himself outside of Kathryn's quarters. He rang the bell. No one answered, and when he finally initiated the override codes nothing prepared him for what he saw. He saw Kathryn in pain making a plea to B'Elanna, and B'Elanna calling out for a sight-to-sight transport of the pair of them to sickbay.

Before they dematerialized, his eyes met B'Elanna's and he knew, who he would have to answer to...

*~*~*~*~*

Chakotay was shocked. Kathryn...Kathryn, what had he done. He ran down the halls, mounted the turbo-lift and ended up in sickbay. He looked and saw people working over his Kathryn, trying desperately to save the child he had abandoned and the woman he had tried to un-love. He tried to get close to Kathryn, and was met with Tom's fist. "You bastard."

Chakotay recovered and looked at Tom. "What?"

"Get out Chakotay...we don't need you here."

"Tom that's my baby you're trying to save..."

"That stopped being your baby the moment you hurt Kathryn, and the moment you gave up on the both of them. If either Kathryn or 'her' baby dies on that table, you'll have to answer to me. Now leave."

Chakotay was forced out of sickbay. He tried to re-enter, and was faced with the worst message he had ever encountered. "Level Nine security clearance is required for that action."

*Damn you Tom.* He knew that only the Captain herself or the Chief Medical officer could override that code. *I guess I'll have to go and wait. Maybe someday, she will forgive me.*

*~*~*~*~*

Kathryn felt the terrible pain. She looked up to see the faces of the doctor and Tom. She knew B'Elanna was around somewhere too. *Where's Chakotay? Why do I care? He left me and the baby.* She felt another ripple of pain sear through her body and looked eyes wide with fear at the doctor.

“You have to save my baby. I need her, I have nothing else."

The doctor pressed a hypo-spray to the Captain's neck and she quieted. *I hope I can Captain.*

*~*~*~*~*

B'Elanna was watching the spectacle before her and her hand subconsciously went to her abdomen. *Who is watching the ship?* "Torres to Tuvok."

"Tuvok here. What can I do for you lieutenant."

"The Captain and Commander are going to be busy for a little while. Are you guys okay up there?"

"Yes Lieutenant. Tell the Captain I hope she feels better."

"Yes Commander."

She knew Tuvok was more than capable of watching the ship by himself, but she felt it was only fair to tell him some of what was going on. *God, I hope this baby makes it. If not, she'll be destroyed.*

*~*~*~*~*

Chakotay had waited outside sickbay for over an hour before he had left. Crewmembers were starting to stare at him, and ask what the problem was. He could not let the Captain and his personal problems overshadow the ship. It was unthinkable and totally uncalled for. He went to the bridge and took command from Tuvok. This would keep his mind off of things 'at home' so to speak.

"Ensign, course?"

"Setting 1497 mark 3, sir."

"Good job, continue."

Maybe this would take his mind off everything else. And maybe not, this was Kathryn's thing. To bury herself in her work...but not anymore. *God what have I done?*

*~*~*~*~*

B'Elanna had left sickbay after they had worked on her for a good hour. She had walked right by Chakotay sitting in the hallway looking forlorn, and lost. He had asked about the Captain, she did not have the energy or the time to deal with him. He had hurt her and B'Elanna would never forget that. She might some day find a way to forgive him, but she would never forget, and she would make sure no one else did either.

*~*~*~*~*

Kathryn felt the fog clearing in her head. She couldn’t remember where she was. *My god, my baby...*

Her eyes flew open, and her hands moved to her abdomen. There was a bulge, larger than she remembered. "Doctor?"

The doctor came out of his office. "Captain." A statement, not a question, or anything else.

"How long doctor?" Kathryn tried to sit up, but the doctor pushed her back down into a prone position.

"You've been asleep, for almost two weeks. The child you carry is alive, but she is very fragile. We had to sedate you to give her a fighting chance. You have had your body and immune system super-saturated with vitamins and minerals that your body was missing. You must eat Captain, you must get enough sleep, and you have to watch your stress levels..."

"Is she okay doctor?" There was a note of urgency in the Captain's voice.

"Yes, but I'm confining you to bed rest for the duration of the pregnancy. If you do indeed want this child to arrive in good health you have to take care of yourself. I am assigning crewmembers to help you through this. Ideally, it would be the child's father, but considering the circumstances..."

"Who?" She was almost afraid to hear this, but she had a feeling she knew who.

"It appears Captain, that you have a couple of guardian angels." He sighed.

"As much as I advise against inflicting Tom Paris on anyone, he has the medical training which would be an asset in this case. His wife will also be taking her turn watching you. Of course, they can't do this alone, and Harry Kim and Samantha Wildman are going to help you out as well."

"But I haven't even told the crew yet."

The doctor gave an exasperated sigh. "As unperceptive as you think they are. They notice things. And I am sure that this they noticed as well. Captain, you never take time off, and you were on leave for almost two weeks. Despite your efforts to avoid it, you did gain weight, and right now, you're going on six months, and you look pregnant. If they didn't know before...they'll know now."

Kathryn moved her hands to her belly. She felt the movements there of a child who had beaten the odds. She smiled as she felt the butterfly kicks of her daughter.

"You're not out of the woods yet Captain. If you have any cramping, spotting, bleeding, anything at all, I want to see you in sickbay immediately."

"Understood doctor, when can I..."

"Leave? B'Elanna will be here within the hour to escort you to your quarters. I do not want Commander Chakotay anywhere near you until this pregnancy has finished and you have a full term healthy child. And I want you to relax. You are relieved of duty."

She was about to protest, but saw the reason in his ways. "Yes doctor."

*~*~*~*~*

B'Elanna arrived in sickbay and walked over to the Captain's biobed. She was sitting up with the most beautiful smile on her face, her hands feeling the movements of the child within. B'Elanna touched the Captain's shoulder. "Captain, are you ready to go?"

"Yes B'Elanna. Here, you have to feel this." She took B'Elanna's hand and placed it against the ever more evident bulge of her baby. B'Elanna felt the kicks of the Captain's child. "This will be what you feel in a couple of months B'Elanna."

B'Elanna knew the Captain was right and felt a sense of pride at knowing she had helped the Captain keep the baby she carried. *She is so much like my mother. It's frightening; I love her like I would a mother.* B'Elanna escorted her to her quarters and stayed for a while, until Samantha came over with Naomi. She watched Kathryn interact with Naomi for a while. *Yes she will be an outstanding mother to this little one.* She watched as Kathryn showed Naomi the ultrasounds of her child, and as she held the little girl's hands against her belly. She stayed until Kathryn fell asleep with Naomi's head lying on her pillow. It was a beautiful sight. *I hope you find happiness Kathryn.*

*~*~*~*~*

Naomi Wildman slept peacefully at the side of the Captain. The woman, who seemed larger than life to everyone else, was nothing more than another 'aunt' aboard the Starship Voyager. She was her favorite aunt actually. For some odd reason, she was allowed and even told to see her more often now. She loved feeling the baby move, but for some reason, she suspected there was more to it than spending more time with the Captain. She loved it, and got to ask so many questions about being Captain's assistant, but she knew she was there to watch. Naomi was a perceptive girl, but she still didn't understand. She knew the Captain had disappeared for a while, and she knew it wasn't good, but she didn't know why, and she didn't care. All she knew was she felt safe now.

Naomi cuddled closer and felt the Captain's arms tighten around her. She felt movement and placed her hand where the baby had kicked. She snuggled in closer and fell into a deep and peaceful sleep.

*~*~*~*~*

Chakotay felt like he was out of the loop. Everyone knew the Captain had almost lost her baby, and since that time, he had been all but outlawed on the ship. He didn't feel it fair; she had done the wrong deed. If only everyone else knew of the task she had performed. If only everyone else knew of the child she had not let have the chance to live. If only...

He could make them know. Would it be worth it? Would he do more harm than good to his already precarious situation on the ship? He went to post something to the ship's message board and found his numbers and codes had been revoked.

*Tom.*

Chakotay was hurting, and he needed to express his anger and pain, and he wanted to publicly humiliate Kathryn...but he had to get past Tom first. *That bastard doesn't know what he's getting himself into.*

*~*~*~*~*

Tom watched as the codes surrounding the message board were bounced back. Why was Chakotay trying so hard to post something to the message board? He had noticed lately, since the Captain had been relieved of duty, the darkness shrouding Chakotay's expressive eyes. He had noticed that there was a darker undertone to bridge shifts and that junior officers were asking to be moved to the beta and delta shifts. This ship needed unity and at the moment, that was the one thing Chakotay was preventing them from having.

The ship going into chaos would kill Kathryn Janeway, destroy the carefully constructed lattice she had created over the years. *Time to pay our first officer a visit.*

He had noticed the frequency of Chakotay's visits to sickbay as well...always with wounds reminiscent of the ones he had acquired in Sandrine’s that night. If he ever...

*~*~*~*~*

Tom spoke to B'Elanna, she had wanted to confront Chakotay herself, but in her condition, he had refused it. He had decided it wasn't allowed, he had told her to go and take a look in on Kathryn, and to bring Naomi...she seemed to have a calming affect on their Captain.

Tom on the other hand, had headed straight for Chakotay's quarters. He had to fix this problem, and fix it now. He rang the chime, no answer. He finally 'picked the lock'. Funny the things you remember from time in a penal colony.

He walked in on Chakotay pummeling a punching bad he had installed in his quarters recently.

"Get out of here Tom, this has nothing to do with you."

"The hell it doesn't, it has to do with everyone on this ship who cares about Kathryn Janeway."

"Oh, like I don't care. Do you know what she did? She destroyed a life, she terminated her own child, her own flesh and blood."

Tom was getting sick and tired of his self-righteous attitude. "I know what she did Chakotay. I helped with the procedure, but point is, it was her choice, and none of us has the right to judge her like this. She did what she thought was right at the time." He looked the tall Indian in the eyes. "I had trouble with it at first too, but fact of the matter is, it was her choice. Hers...not yours...not mine, not anyone else's. And that's why the files were sealed. You should be grateful that she shared this with you. It meant she trusted you, and you betrayed that trust you bastard."

"Lieutenant, you're out of line."

"Yeah whatever, pull rank on me. I don't care, I'm just warning you, those fists better not find their way near Kathryn."

"Or what? She betrayed me, she never loved me...it was all..."

Tom took a swing and decked him in the nose. "You bastard. If you ever do anything to hurt her... I will not let you live to see tomorrow. Do you understand me? Obviously, for some god-forsaken reason, she cares, why the hell else would she carry your child. She loves you, and if you can't get beyond your hate and your fear, she's going to find someone else."

Tom walked out of Chakotay's quarters leaving the man bleeding on the carpet. *I hope they get this straightened out for everyone's sake. Forty years is a long time to be at odds.*

*~*~*~*~*

Kathryn woke up to find the most delighted smile on Naomi's face. She was sleeping peacefully. Kathryn decided that day it was time to get up and get going. She had been confined to her quarters for two months. She was not seven months pregnant, and looked every day of it. She knew the crew had to know, even though she had never officially announced it...her disappearance, the people who did know, Chakotay. She knew that they knew.

"Janeway to the doctor."

"Doctor here Captain, what can I do for you?"

"Doctor, it's time we talked."

"Yes it is Captain. Alright, come on in, in three hours."

"Yes doctor."

The captain didn't want to wake up little Naomi, but she did have to get going. She shook the girl slowly. "Naomi." The girl slowly awakened from her deep sleep.

"Captain?"

Kathryn laughed. "Yes Naomi, I have to get up sweetie, and you were kind of preventing me from doing that."

Naomi gave Kathryn one last hug and bent down to talk to the baby. "Don't give your mommy too many problems today."

Kathryn ran her hands through the child's long blond locks. *Why did I cut all my hair off?* Kathryn decided that day, she would let it all grow back. *That's just one of the changes that will happen.*

She brought Naomi back to Samantha's quarters and headed for sickbay. Today the baby would get her checkup and Kathryn would find out if she was allowed to back on restricted duty for the duration of her pregnancy. She needed to get out and do something.

She arrived in sickbay to the doctor's stern consternation. He looked her up and down. "Well at least you look pregnant now." He took out the tricorder and scanned her belly. "Well everything looks okay." The child is a little on the small side, but nothing to worry about. That could just be your genetic structure, you're a small woman, if this child takes after you, it might just be a small baby."

She breathed a sigh of relief. She patted her belly. "Hear that baby? You're fine." She turned to the doctor, time for the big question. "Can I go back to restricted duty doctor?"

The doctor sighed. "I will allow you on restricted duty. It has been two months, and you're probably bored, and the child has been responding well to all treatments." The Captain turned to leave, when the doctor took hold of her arm. "Hold on a second. I'm not done with you. You will not be permitted on the bridge for more than four hours per day, and at the smallest twinge, sickness, cramping, bleeding, I want to see you here."

The Captain went to leave. "Do you understand me Captain? I will not budge on this."

"Yes doctor." She left sickbay, just happy she was allowed to do something besides sit around all day. As much as she loved Naomi, B'Elanna, all of them, she needed to get on with her life. Move past it, and she would because she was Kathryn Janeway, and she did not settle for anything less.

*~*~*~*~*

Chakotay, he would never forget what Kathryn did by not allowing him to be a part of his child's beginnings, but at the same time, he hoped, maybe some day, she would look past everything she had endured and love him once again. But if he knew Kathryn Janeway, he knew forgiveness was something she did not give easily.

He decided to do something to make his daughter see he was not a bad person, and to perhaps make Kathryn see the good in him. Possibly even let him be an active participant in the life of the child they had created out of a love they had at one time possessed.

He started writing the letter to Kathryn. He believed when he looked back upon his actions that he had probably lost the right to utter her given name in public, or out loud, or even when he was alone in his quarters. So this would be the last time, and he only hoped one day she would forgive and forget.

He wrote the letter...he only hoped Kathryn would read it.

*~*~*~*~*

Kathryn sat at the window in her quarters staring out at the stars. She had finished her shift nearly three hours ago, and had spent that time doing some thinking. She thought about everything that had happened. She thought about her baby and about the child having to live without a father and she decided a love like theirs was worth at least the effort to save.

"Janeway to bridge."

"Tuvok here, what can I do for you Captain."

"What is the location of Commander Chakotay?"

"Commander Chakotay is on the planet surveying the site where the mineral deposits were located."

"What is his estimated time of arrival back on the ship?"

"0300 Captain. I suggest you get some sleep. You have the early shift tomorrow morning."

"So I do, please tell me when their shuttle docks."

"Aye Captain."

Kathryn drifted off into a wonderfully restful sleep. A better sleep than she had had in a long time. Her waking was not so peaceful. She awoke to the emergency klaxons sounding, to the blinking lights of an emergency. The next four days would occur in slow motion, and she would never forget them...

*~*~*~*~*

Nothing but a blur, Chakotay lying dying on the biobed...her wondering if she would ever see Chakotay alive again, wondering if her child would live with a single parent. She went back to her quarters and noticed a message on her screen; she couldn't deal with it now, and closed the panel and hoped it was nothing important.

*Why? Why?*

*~*~*~*~*

It had been five weeks; Chakotay had been lying in the sickbay dying. Kathryn had been staying at home worrying. Since Chakotay had been brought in unresponsive, she had actually lost weight. She had lost eight pounds in the last month, and she was now at eight months pregnant. She knew, as a scientist, that most of the child's weight gain happened in the last month, and that her habits had to change, but as a woman, whose baby's father was lying in sickbay dying, she felt nothing but pain and emptiness.

She went to the bridge for her shift, and that day, things in her life would change beyond belief...and she only hoped she could cope with the changes.

The unending, boring, shift could not keep her occupied. She managed to keep it together for the whole shift, but she wasn't sure how much longer she could hold out. She wasn't sure how much longer she could pretend like nothing was wrong, she just didn't know. She wasn't sure if she could survive, if he didn't.

*~*~*~*~*

Kathryn had finished her first bridge shift in much too long. She did not have Chakotay by her side because of the doctor's wishes and in keeping her out of sickbay, and because he had now been unresponsive for almost six weeks. She came into her quarters and there was a beeping, *the message*, she had left it since the day before Chakotay had been injured, and now she would have to deal with it. She moved to her computer panel, and she pressed the activate button. "You have one new message." The computer's emotionless voice stated. She pressed the button for the message to begin playback.

She saw Chakotay's face appear, the things he must have done to get this message to her. She knew she shouldn't watch it, but she couldn't help herself. She watched.

Kathryn,

If you hearing this you've given me one last chance to redeem myself. One last chance to tell you everything I need to. I know this will be hard for you, I know I've caused you so much pain, and I apologize. I know you can never forgive me, or forget what I've done, but I would like to make one contribution to our daughter's life.

I want to tell you a story; it's of a brave woman warrior. She protected her tribe at all costs.

*Was he speaking of her?* She read on further.

She tried to save her tribe from the evil of the world, she tried to shield them from the pain of life, in the end she could not succeed, but neither could anyone else. She tried to do the impossible, she tried to save them all, she tried...but what she didn't realize was she could not shield them from themselves.

And this was her greatest strength, and her greatest weakness.

Her name was Treyah, she was my grandmother. If I can contribute nothing else to this child, at least let the namesake live on.

No matter what you say or think, I do love you Kathryn, and I do love this child, and though love cannot conquer all, I do hope to at least be there for her.

Luv,

Chakotay, father of your child.

Kathryn had tears running down her cheeks. It was so beautiful, and this man, this lovely beautiful man, who's anger had just been misplaced, might not live to see his daughter *Treyah*, his daughter Treyah, live out her life.

*God, why?*

She felt a searing pain in her abdomen and doubled over. *Not now, not without him here.*

She made her way over to the monitor and signaled sickbay. The pain washed through her and she hoped against hoped, everything would be okay.

*~*~*~*~*

The doctor had been getting hailed from the bridge for the past three hours. He really didn't have time for this, he was attempting to deliver this baby, happy, healthy and in tact. But of course the bridge would not leave him or the Captain alone for even a minute.

Finally he decided to make a call to the bridge. "Doctor here...what is it now Mr. Paris?"

"I really need to talk to you doctor. It's important."

Over the comm Tom heard the Captain scream. *Oh god. That'll be us in a few months.* He looked over to Seven.

"Did you get it?"

Seven gave a condescending look in his direction. "Did I get it Ensign? I did say I was going to repair the Commander did I not?"

"Yes Seven...but, he's been comatose for almost six weeks. Why didn't you say anything before now?"

"I...I am still not accustomed to volunteering services and information like this." Seven looked almost reminiscent. "Ensign, since I was brought aboard Voyager Captain Janeway has done much to make things easier and more pleasant for me. I am returning the favor. I have noticed the Commander makes her happy, and so I am restoring her happiness."

Tom smiled and nodded, amazed at her perceptiveness at times. "All right Seven. Work your magic."

*~*~*~*~*

Kathryn bore down with all her soul. She knew this baby was going to be loved by everyone on Voyager. She was going to teach her nothing but love and happiness. She would never allow this child to endure the hurt and pain she had.
"That's it Captain, almost there."

The next thing that Kathryn remembered was the sound of a child crying the background. 'Her child'. 'Chakotay's child'. She loved this baby so much; she loved Chakotay so much, despite everything. The doctor handed the child to her, "Welcome Treyah Ainsley, welcome to this world. I promise I will be the best mother to you I can. You are a representation of the generations passed. Someday I will tell you of both your grandmothers and the importance they each had in your creation. And someday you will learn who your father is, even if he isn't here to help me raise you, he will be here in spirit, because for all his faults...I love him."

*~*~*~*~*

The doctor was eventually summoned up to the bridge, the baby had been born four hours ago, and the doctor had wanted to stay to make sure she was indeed all right. With the condition of the Captain, and the trauma of birth....he noticed an air of calm and ease about the bridge, and he had a feeling that the cosmos were looking down on him. He had a feeling that someone had finally gotten the ending right.

He saw standing on the command level, Chakotay, father to a new baby girl, commander of the starship Voyager...good man. "Well Commander, good to see you up and about again...I believe there is someone in sickbay who would like to meet you."

He nodded to Tuvok and headed to sickbay.

*~*~*~*~*

She placed a kiss on the child's forehead, and made a promise to never let her stubbornness, or the heartache Chakotay had caused her to overshadow this child's image of her father, or her opinion of her mother.

"Kathryn she's beautiful, just like her mother."

Kathryn looked up at Chakotay, tears in her eyes. "I love you Chakotay, I love you both."

The new family engaged in an embrace. A showing of family ties and bonds. He kissed the tiny girl on the head and looked at the nametag. A smile lit his features. "Thank you Kathryn, will you ever forgive me?"

"I can forgive, but I will never forget. For if we cannot learn from the mistakes of the past, we are doomed to repeat them..."

***

When you love someone - you'll do anything
You'll do all the crazy things that you can't explain
You'll shoot the moon - put out the sun
When you love someone
You'll deny the truth - believe a lie

There'll be times that you'll believe you can really fly
But your lonely nights - have just begun
When you love someone
When you love someone - you'll feel it deep inside
And nothing else can ever change your mind

When you want someone - when you need someone
When you love someone
When you love someone - you'll sacrifice
You'd give it everything you got and you won't think twice
You'd risk it all - no matter what may come

When you love someone

You'll shoot the moon - put out the sun
When you love someone

*~*~*~*~*

END 'FORGIVENESS...'...END TRILOGY, HOPE YOU ENJOYED